I'm not sure what's worse right now. That I've neglected this blog for so long, or that even Sngx1275 has a newer post on his blog (currently)thank I do. I mean, he posted on 3 Dec 04. Today is 27 Jan 05. While he's not into this, I am. My problem is more of that of the brain.

At first I was sorta shy to the idea. I'm not the most expressive person in the world, nor am I artistic. After being invited to start up by someone who can maybe make that claim, I had large shoes to fill. Heaven knows my size 11s are large enough. My brain, though, has much larger feet. And even larger shoes.

I've failed miserably at filling those shoes I aimed for. Little did I realize (at the time) that filling the shoes really isn't the point. How can one compare wooden clogs, tennis shoes, and steel toed boots? Easily. What if you cut the top of them off, so any foot could rest down in them, and the fit wasn't the important thing? Well, that's very much what we have here, and I've realized I wasn't aiming at the right shoe. I'd missed the point altogether, you don't aim for a shoe. You just stomp (hard) and let your footprint fall where it might lie. I don't have cutesy well worded anecdotes laced with approrpriate pictures. Nor do I have deep meditations as to who I am and what I want to be/do. I don't have any particular interests to rant on (well, not that I have time or the mental power for anyway). I barely have material otherwise, as I'm not the most exciting person in the world.

I have to say, however, many of my friends are. Didou of course is the man with cute storys, pictures, and occasionaly some eccentric music that rarely is intolerable. Kate combines wit with insight, and then there's a newcomer. After quite a while of badgering her about how I was going to invite her to post to my blog, she finally revealed that she's got a blog she started. I note near new year's. She didn't share it with me until recently. Scared of posting her inner life to strangers she said, not that interesting she said, all that good stuff. Well, it's here, and I gotta say *sniff* I'm proud. She doesn't have many posts under her, but so far it's been mostly meditative stuff. A left, center, and right of blogs are complete if you will. And like most women, she's a confusing friend of mine, so at least I finally have a chance at figuring one girl out in my lifetime. Slim and cold in hell I know.

Oh yeah, here's the obligatory link I give damn near everyone.

So back on topic. I don't make posts often. Mostly because I need inspiration. A three sentence rant every time doesn't work. A one liner maybe once a year or something might work. Or a really good post every week or so. This disjointed reality that I post here currently doesn't work. I just never have the inspiration/motivation to get a decent, full sized and written post up here. I get ideas, sure, but rarely enough for more than a paragraph for a rant. If I'm going to do a rant, or a diatribe, I want it to at least have some substance to it. At very minimum, be totally entertaining like one of Stewie's rants on the family guy. Except he can get away constantly with the one line rant. "Damn you, woman!" never ceases to amuse me as another one of Stewie's plans get foiled by mom. Although how often "Damn you, woman!" accurately describes my life is a statement to be examined at another date.

I find it odd how all of those people fell right into their shoes. I watched them, and totally missed it myself. And by even remotely trying to copy them (and cancelling before I do something stupid), I made things even worse here. Motivation and inspiration wasted on doing things that just aren't me. No matter how hard I try, I don't fit into a niche, I don't have a clique or standard group which I draw any respect or recognition from. Sure, I have plenty of people who wait for my updates (not hardly a damn one who comments in public!), but there's really no single set for me there. They've got their shoes on, they're walking their own directions and most of them couldn't be heading any further from each other. They've got their groups, but they don't match each other.

I stand in the middle alone. I'm sure if I quit trying to look where I'm going and just finally move ahead in life, I'll find my set of shoes eventually too. Perhaps the reason I wrote is to show me that I'm wrong and I do have a group, or something. Maybe I'll find me a partner in crime like Adam and Jaymie from MythBusters. (Damn, those guys have too much fun. They're not artsy or expressive either. But DAMN they can be funny and informative. Quack damn you.) Maybe this post is to help reinforce in history that I'm a loner who fits everywhere and no where at once. Or maybe this is one of them dream in a dream situations. Or a dream in a dream in dream. Yeah. That 13th floor crap again.

No matter what's the situation, though, I look all around and people are around me, just at a distance. I've decided I'm gonna move forward. Does that end this blog, or start it anew? Do I post once a day, a week, a month, or whenver I please? Will my friends add to the culture of the blog and steer it towards a serious or comedic blog? God only knows. Just about only one thing in this whole world is certain right now.

No matter what happens, is, or will be... I just gotta be me.